Sunday, August 17, 2014

503 - Swamp Diamonds

With Short: What to do on a Date

First Broadcast - 7 pm Saturday, July 31 1993
Excellence Level: Bronze
Movie Pain: High - The usual Corman tedium
Riffing: Chuckle-Fest
Skits: Induced mostly smiles

Touch Conners, Long scenes of women dragging a boat through the swamp and Roger Corman? Sounds like a recipe for disaster and well, it pretty much is just that.

Lady cop infiltrates gang to gain access to a cache of stolen diamonds. Conner's stumbles upon them and spends most of the film tied up. Dull, and J&TB have a tough time livening things up. The short -"What to do on a Date"- a few good host segments (The "U-View", where the Mads see what would have happened had they not stayed home) and some nice shots in the theater (I LOVE the "Fred Mertz in Gigi" bit) all provide some early laughs. But by the end, Corman grinds the humor train to nearly a complete stop.

Thankfully Beverly Garland is in this movie, playing a hot head who goes around punching people at will. You go girl.

Host Segments
Intro: Trek talk. Invention: The U-View and Joel's Andrew Lloyd Webber Grill. Segment 1: Servo decides to ask Gypsy out on a date. Segment 2: Servo gives Gypsy a call. Segment 3: Tom bores Gypsy to death. End: Gypsy just wants to "be friends" with Tom. More of the U-View. Stinger: Billie sez, "Ssssshut up!" But, Josie mocking someone off screen in an early prison scene would have been a better choice

Notable Riffs
Date Riffs
"What if she says no?" - "She will" - Nick/Joel
"Sorry it didn't work out." - Joel as Nick
"Hey hey, our luggage is here, whooo" - Servo
"Nick, other people have to eat too." - Servo
"These two are on a date?" - Crow
"Would Kay enjoy... a wienie roast?" "NICK, NO!!" -Narrator/All
"With each dial he comes closer and closers to the most humiliating moment of his life." - Crow
"It was a good idea... double dating with Jeff and Phyllis." - "But mostly Jeff." - Narrator/Joel
*"I'd enjoy going to the wienie roast very much." - "With someone else." - Kay/Crow

Diamond Riffs
"Okay, we need volunteers to get killed at this campsite." - Joel
"But, Santa, why, "why" are you taking my gun?" - Crow as Billie
"Enjoy yourself" - "I just did." - Billie/Joel as Touch
"Get over here. We just wanna kill you for a minute." - Crow
"Hey, can we stop and wrestle now?" - Crow
"I do not know what we are. Perhaps we are gauchos. Ole!" - Servo
"Okay, now remember our rule: Only one dead at each place." - Joel
"They're all doing a nickel at UPS!" - Crow
"You normally find this sort of thing on pay-per-view!" - Crow
"Is that suppose to be an example of my headache pain?" - Crow
"Boy, the Banana Splits haven't aged well." - Joel
"Why's he taking orders from a crossing guard?" - Crow
"A prison filled with Wendy Darlings." - Servo
"I don't think she can swim." - "Wait a minute, I'll swim out here and ask her if she can swim." - Lee/Joel
"You have the right to be hot, anything I have will be held against you." - Crow

Riff Explained 
"Well she's taking her Pignose amp wherever she's going" - Joel
Popular in the 70's, the Pignose was a portable transistor amp which weighed around 5 pounds and stood 9x6x4. Powered by 6 AA batteries they cost about $80 and allowed Hendrix wannabes to rock on whenever and wherever they wanted. Even in a swamp!

"Oh - she's got her in a Mark Eden!" - Joel
Joel says this when Josie grabs Lee in a head lock while they wrestle. A Mark Eden was a small clam shell contraption with spring, which was held above the chest and squeezed. Doing this repeatedly was suppose to help increase a woman's bust size. In the late 60's the US Postal service filed charges of mail fraud and the company was soon out of business. I guess Joel thought wrestling moved look similar to the exercise.

Stuff and Nonsense
* Captain Goodrich is played by Lou Place. Lou was the Production Manager on Roger Corman's "It Conquered the World" and Directed the Dick Contino classic, "Daddy-O".

* During the 1994 Turkey Day Marathon hosted by Adam West - Beverly Garland made an appearance to introduce this episode.

Available on DVD: Collection volume 10

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