322 - Master Ninja

First Broadcast - 10 am Saturday, Jan 11 1992

Amazing Colossal Grade: Bald people bonding, Glenn wants some of that!

Movie Pain: Low - Dopey but harmless TV action
Riffing: Decent, good humor
Skits: Same as above

2 episodes of the short-lived TV show, "The Master" are presented as our "Movie". Stars Lee Van Cleef and his obvious stunt double as the Ninja, and Timothy Van Patten -with his garbled lines spoken as if he had a cold- as his student. Together the two save the downtrodden, all while searching for Lee's long-lost daughter.

I felt this experiment was a bit unsteady; there are some excellent quips but they're sprinkled amid a few clunkers. Part 1 guest stars a young Demi Moore and the rump-riffic Claude Akins. But it's the second half of the show -where the duo takes on the Japanese mob- that made me laugh the most. Cleef bonding with a fellow baldy, those precious dancing scenes; both trigger some sharp comments. Later, Joel uses the "Knights of Columbus" as a riff source and promises "7 years bad acting" when Max breaks a mirror. Also, watch closely when the Master and the dancer cross on the tight wire; Crow does his best to bite their lifeline in half, lol.

As to the host segments, I enjoyed the "Van Patten Project" and The Pop-Up classic book series (I would have loved to have seen what was in the "Naked Lunch").

Though not consistent enough to be considered a classic, "Master Ninja" did give us Crow's outstanding 'Van Patten' imitation. Which we will be blessed with again in other episodes (For example, City Limits). File it under, "goodish".

Host Segments
Intro: The bots build a car. Invention: Dr. F & Frank show the Boil in a Bag Intravenous Dinner. Joel offers Pop Up Books for adults. Segment 1: The Van Patten Project. Segment 2: Musical themes. Segment 3: New and improved 'chucks. End: The Master Ninja Theme, Frank smothers Dr. F. Stinger: Timothy speaks. "To them it's some kind of ritual"

Notable Riffs
* "John Peter McCallister, the only occidental American to ever become..." - "Ms. Japan." - Max/Crow
* "Okay Elvis, we know you're in there" - Joel
* "Oh - Those IUD's are dangerous." - Crow
* "What'll it be?" - "At one time a Singapore Sling would have been the only answer." - "Now I want a Peanut Buster Parfait." - Bartender/Van Cleef/Servo
* "What, you don't think I've got emotions?" - "Too many of them." -"Heck, you're practically Leo Bascallia" - Max/Van Cleef/Joel
* "You know black is so slimming, you can't even see his gut anymore." - Joel
* "What kind of skull wax do you use?" - Crow
* "He must be using selective gas." - Crow
* "Scarecrow" - "Scare Me?" - Joel & Servo/Crow
* "You Know I Like A Nice Foppish Dance!" - Joel
* "Ha ha ha ha... We're bald and we're bonding!" - Joel
* "Hey, you got enough sticks in your drawers there?" - Joel
* "I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere." - Crow
* "I hope she's into big-assed medallions." - Servo as Van Cleef
* "The tranquility of post-war Japan?" - Joel
* "This is from my 1935 film "The Prancing Ninny"" - Servo as Mr. Patterson
* "Daddy, there's a boy outside. His name is Wang" - Joel
* "I'm a Ninja Warrior" - Crow
* "He's dancing with Ziggy Stardust" - Servo
* "Uh oh - I just passed wind in my suit. I ask you, as a point of honor, give me a second." - Servo as Osaka
* "You know, say what you want, but Claude Akins has a nice rump." - Joel
* "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Gerbil."
* "You know, everybody's gonna know he's a ninja if they play that theme every time he goes somewhere." - Joel

Riff Explained
"That's not dancing"- "That's typing" - Jill/Crow
This is in reference to a statement author Truman Capote made of Jack Kerouac's work... "That isn't writing at all, it's typing"

"Scarecrooow!" - Servo/Joel
This is a song sung in the Disney film "Dr. Syn: Alias the Scarecrow" (For info on the character Click Here)

"They're up on the wire - half is flame, half is fire" - Joel
Oops, Joel got the lyrics to this Leon Russell song (Tightrope) wrong. The actual words are - I'm up on the tight wire one side's ice and one is fire.

Stuff and Nonsense
* The first episode was directed by Robert Clouse, best known for the Bruce Lee epic, "Enter The Dragon"

* As funny as the title sounds, "The Dancing Pirate" (1936) was a real movie and it did star Charles Collins (Charlie Patterson), who really was a Broadway and film actor/dancer (BTW: Willis O'Brien -"Black Scorpion"- did the photographic effects for "Pirate"). Charles died in March 2004 at the age of 95.

* During the movie, Crow's basket falls off. His response? A quiet, "Ouch".

Available on DVD: Volume 20

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